altariel | Númenor at the movies

I did these dream-casts a while back, and have nothing better to do this evening than post them to my LJ.

I think that the next film Peter Jackson should make is a film about the downfall of Númenor. Since this is only going to happen in my head, I can cast whoever I want. Unfortunately, my head doesn't like me, and the studio pulled Jackson off the film part-way through and it all went a bit wrong. So here's the blockbuster movie version. It's a love triangle set on a sinking, um, island.

Downfall!
Directed by James Cameron

Isildur: Russell Crowe
Ar-Zimraphel: Kate Winslet
Ar-Pharazôn: Joaquin Phoenix
Elendil: Viggo Mortensen
Annatar: Kevin Spacey
Gil-galad: Jude Law
Manwë: David Warner
Special guest appearance from Richard Harris as Amandil

Meanwhile, independent funding from BBC Films and the European Community has enabled a first-time director to put together a moody, grainy and utterly stylish version of the same story, shot on location on London's grim South Bank and in leafy Hampstead. Everyone has a real British accent and there are no glaring factual inaccuracies. It's a subtle tale of corruption and betrayal, a brilliant satire of Tony Blair's government. It starts with a tank smashing through the railings in front of Buckingham Palace to the sound of "Rule Britannia", and the final shot is of Big Ben being submerged under the Thames while the Sex Pistols sing "God Save the Queen". It gets only arthouse release and makes about 50p.

Rule the Waves

Ar-Pharazôn: Christopher Ecclestone
Ar-Zimraphel: Julia Sawalha
Isildur: Kenneth Branagh
Annatar: Ian McKellen
Elendil: Robbie Coltrane
The Voice of Manwë: Ian McKellen

And the third in an occasional series:

Carry On Sinking!
Directed by Gerald Thomas

Ar-Pharazôn - Jim Dale
Ar-Zimraphel - Barbara Windsor
Elendil - Sid James
Isildur - Bernard Cribbins
Amandil - Charles Hawtrey
Manwë - Bernard Bresslaw
Sauron - Kenneth Williams